This year felt like one where time stood still.
Career
Early in 2024, I landed a new job, got to work with a lovely team, became familiar with a new tech stack, got new responsibilities, played a significant part in aligning, shaping culture, and leveling up the engineering team, dabbled with data engineering, and worked on some soft skills.
Nothing too fancy, but I’m still proud of what I’ve accomplished in light of what dominated my year: grief.
Loss
Last year was full of firsts. First birthdays without you. First Christmas without you. First time seeing your contact details on my phone, knowing no call or message will reach you. For a long time, I felt so fragile that the smallest mishap would make me crumble to the ground. Nothing else mattered. Episode 1 of season 2 of Arcane perfectly portrayed that vibe in the funeral scene (spoilers), except for me, it took the rest of the year for the world to get its colour back.
Thanks to my loved ones, and the advice in Julia Samuel’s book Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving, I can gaze down the gigantic hole in me and accept its presence. I can surrender myself to the overwhelming sadness prompted by the smallest things. I can forgive myself for not being at my best and needing more time, despite being made acutely aware of the scarcity and finiteness of that resource. Progress — any progress, no matter how small — is enough.
Rocky
On a brighter note, we gained a family member this year! Internet friends, meet Rocky!
Previously, we only had one cat, Maui. He likes having someone around, and we felt bad every time we didn’t have time to play or had to leave the house. Maui doesn’t like other cats though, so we weren’t sure whether that was the right approach. We took a bit of a gamble and got a kitten, thinking Maui could help us mold him into a Maui-compatible cat.
The kitten we found is another Maine Coon that the cattery dubbed Rocky. It took a while, but we eventually decided Rocky was an already fitting name and a subtle reference to Maui: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson voiced Maui in Moana.
They did need time to warm up to each other, but it seems they’re quite compatible. Rocky does like to ruffle a little too rough for Maui, and Rocky blatantly ignores hisses and warnings, so sometimes we intervene. Other than that, everything seems to go exceptionally well. They don’t fight. They share food. They even leave scraps for each other when they shouldn’t, because they’re on different diets.
Maui and Rocky are two goofballs that, after a couple of months, seem inseparable. Hopefully, Rocky will ease on the ruffling as he grows up, since he’s not a year old and already in Maui’s weight class — he’ll outgrow his older friend soon.
2025
So, what’s next?
Perhaps some people need concrete goals to stick by, but a general direction works better for me, so my plans for this year are vague directions on specific themes.
As always, one of them is this blog. The only motivation to blog is the gratification that some people may leave my blog with a new insight or two. I don’t seek fame. I don’t seek visibility to sell freelance services. In fact, being candid here gave an interviewer ammo to ask difficult questions about my burnout that became the deciding factor why I wasn’t hired. Regardless, I am cooking up some ideas where I can combine several interests.
A big topic I hope to address is insecurity or a lack of confidence. Decisiveness, proactiveness, what and how I communicate, these soft skills and more are greatly influenced by how comfortable I am. I’m done with being paralyzed by my own insecurity. While I have yet to find out how to grow confidence, I plan on starting exposing myself to uncomfortable scenarios, realise I do just fine, and accept that I’m more competent than I think. If you have any pointers on this, hit me up on Mastodon or send me an e-mail, because I can use every help I can get.
These are my themes for now and I’ll gain new insights and adapt accordingly throughout the year. Regardless where I end up, progress is progress, and that’s enough for now.